01/27/10 room, night (post shower)- and now the exciting conclusion to the Jayla question! I said I took calligraphy last semester at the UR. I wound up being very frustrated b/c w/o artistic ability or hand motor skills you can’t be good at calligraphy. I have neither and so I scraped a B for a lot of effort. I hated that I was being graded on how well I draw basically. It’s one of those things you just have to accept but I wasn’t about to subject myself to it again. I don’t regret taking the class for the experience and it was nice to sit and paint with the brush. But the zen part got a little ruined b/c I was always trying so hard to produce something that would get me an A. We were also graded on how much we improved. I could practice for hours and I wasn’t going to improve that much. So it was an honest B for me. I know someone who considers a B failing a class. Yeah, I think that’s a little unhealthy but I’ll admit I don’t like getting them either. We are very conditioned in America to think that without straight A’s you are not really that smart. Since grades can never completely represent one’s intelligence I think it’s a little unfair to place so much emphasis on them. They can reveal how hard you worked but there are always a lot of mitigating circumstances too. An A says you worked really hard and everything went your way. People who get A’s hate to hear this interpretation of mine. They think I am making excuses for the B’s (yes, plural) that I get and taking away their own accomplishments. It isn’t so. When I get an A I don’t like to hear anyone tell me it isn’t a big deal either. It is just when I heard my friend say he considered a B a failure I thought it was just too much. At first I thought he would think I was a failure too if he knew I get B’s. Later, however, I realized that it is the standard he holds HIMSELF to and no one else. I wanted to tell him how I felt about grades but I didn’t. Maybe next time. All this went through my head as I answered Jayla.
“I took calligraphy at my home school last semester and I didn’t want to take any of the ones where you have to be good with your hands. That leaves ikebana and well, I can’t eat flowers.” She laughed. But it’s true, unless I was learning the actual structural parts, flowers wouldn’t interest me much. Botany is cool; it’s a science. I like science. I would like reading about flower arranging (it’s history, it’s significance). But do it, not so much. I said bye to Jayla and went to my advisor’s office. He has an awesome collection of miniatures (including a miniature Kewpie, which was frightening). He is a psychologist who specializes in miniature therapy. He was very nice. However, he smokes. He opened his door and window as wide as they’d go and it was still miserable for me in that room. He certainly wasn’t smoking while I was there but obviously he does smoke in his office b/c the room reeked of it. I scarcely took a breath in the 15 minutes I talked to him. He recommended Elementary translation to replace history of tea ceremony. I was itching to ask how 300s were allowed to take Cultural History of Tea Ceremony in the first place but his English was as good as my Japanese and so I couldn’t really make myself clear. It must just be a big oversight in the system. I thanked him and left to return to my host mom’s house. An hour and a half later I came in the door and she served matcha (green tea) and matcha cakes. The matcha cakes were in the shape of little tigers (another treat from the first of the year temple visit. Remember it’s the year of the tiger). They were delicious. She then pulled out some very unique sweets. It was my favorite combination: mochi and azuki. This time however the mochi was on the inside and the azuki on the outside. It was the first time I have seen it reversed like that. Everything was delicious and my host mom is so wonderful for always serving me tea and a snack when I come home from school. I just love her. (She keeps giving me food. Clearly she knows the way to my heart!) Sitting there eating my after school snack and talking with her is the one of the main reasons I wanted to do a home stay. Being in a foreign country is stressful in the best of times. I knew that there would be days when I would feel especially worn out. On those days I wanted to come home to a friendly face. I wanted someone to be waiting for me to return. I wanted this feeling of security and warmth in a time of great uncertainty and disconnectedness. I knew my only chance of creating such an escape when I was abroad was by living with a host family. I never imagined though that my host mom would be this wonderful. I feel as though everything else can be just as difficult as possible. If I have this wonderful home stay I can get through it. I feel like shouting to the fates, GIVE ME YOUR WORST! I HAVE AN AMAZING HOST MOM WHO GIVES ME FOOD AND WORRIES ABOUT ME! Or something like that.
After I ate my snack I wrote an entry, ate dinner, wrote another entry, showered, and studied. It was late. I was exhausted. I remember, despite my exhaustion, I had a very vivid nightmare. (Geez, fates I was only joking…) When I say vivid I mean I SWEAR I thought it was real. I’d rather not relive it and I’d like to spare you the details, so I’ll skip to morning. I got up and ate and started my commute as always. I felt the test was really easy. Kai san said she thought it was hard. I ate lunch and then went to Elementary translation class. I only missed one class and the instructor gave me the syllabus and told me not to worry about the homework I missed. I have decided to audit the history of tea ceremony class. Final registration is Thursday morning so I get it all straightened out then. I checked my mail slot and we had our tests back. I like the speediness!! I got a 27.3 out of 30. I made mistakes on grammar we weren’t being tested over and a couple of stupid things too. I always make stupid mistakes, always. When I got home and after I had my healing snack and chat with my host mom, I watched American news reports for a while. Then I looked at a LoveCom movie. I ate dinner and showered. It was a wash hair night. After that I did homework. It was 12:20 and I was so tired I went to bed without writing an entry. Gomen (sorry).
On the way to school this morning I was studying the vocab for our quiz and Kai san asked for another word for “to give up” in English. We learn the Japanese vocab with ENGLISH accompanying it telling us the meaning. Which frankly sucks for the study abroad students whose first language ISN’T English. Kai san knows a little English but didn’t understand the phrase “to give up”. She was asking for another way to say it. I told Kai to give up is to “stop trying”. Then she understood. It got me thinking. Kai san and so many others have to learn Japanese in a language that isn’t their own. Japan is English happy so where does that leave those whose first language isn’t English? What exactly do I have to complain about? Kai has it so much harder than me and she is always smiling and trying to coax me to try to speak Japanese. No matter how tough things get, I am never going to give up. I am not going to “stop trying”.
We got there early and while we were waiting for class to start Kai san said my fingernails were kawaii (cute). She also said she liked my skin color. It isn’t the first time she has said so. The first time was in the subway station waiting for our train. She said she wanted to be lighter skinned while brushing my fingers, which were resting on my book bag. I was sufficiently unsettled. No one has ever looked at my skin like that before. Being minoric is so very strange. In America I blended in, faded into every background. Here I stand out, way out. I wanted to tell Kai she is fine just as she is. I think Kai is beautiful and her smile and disposition are better than mine. I was still struggling for a response when our train pulled up. Then this morning again she said my fingernails and skin were kawaii. She asked in a joking way if I would give her my skin color. I laughed lightly and mimed giving her a present. She only seemed to be kidding, but I hope she understands that light doesn’t equal beautiful and dark doesn’t equal not beautiful. I hate to think she considers herself ugly b/c her skin has more melanin in it than mine does. Don’t know what to do about this. I’ll try not to worry about it.
The quiz went fine and I had kanji class which was quite tanoshii (enjoyable). I ate my yummy bento (box lunch) with Marissa san who is in the kanji class with me. I checked my mail slot and then headed out to Sakae to visit Citibank. I am too tried right now to begin that adventure so I will close for now. Hopefully tomorrow will be the day I get these caught up to the present. (23:22)
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